i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
