My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize