Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
