So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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