Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
