you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
