There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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