Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
