Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
