He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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