the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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