my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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