Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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