also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
