Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I will pee on everything he values.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
