she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
