meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
