you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
