Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
