Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
