I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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