i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
