you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
