apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
