i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
