my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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