i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
