THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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