It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
