just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
