he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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