I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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