Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
