quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
