I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
