she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
