i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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