she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the condom got lost in my hair
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
