Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
