You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
