wanna go halves on a baby?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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