I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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