what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The air taste purple.
Randomize
