having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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