Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
