Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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