you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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