he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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