I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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