I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
