I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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