yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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