the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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