I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
