My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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