There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
