i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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